against myself

Why?

I truly don't get some things I do in my life.
I’ll allow you in on one right now: I follow people that annoy me.

Does that make ANY sense? Not literally follow them, haha. Just via facebook or things of that nature. The people I am thinking of when I focus on this are people who have sorely mistreated me, act very fake, are not good friends, etc. So why am I interested in keeping up with them in this secretive way?

Honestly? Partly is because I know how they are and I know that they will have failures. Most people that are on the internet WUPHF-ing and talking about every detail emphasize greatness and badness in their life. They want praise, they want attention. So they take it any way they can get it. I don't grant their satisfaction by showing I keep up, I don't comment or mention it. However, this way I can still know what goes on and get some sick joy and simultaneously become aggravated with "who-do-they-think-they-are?" thoughts that pass through my mind.
On the inside, I BOIL. I get so mad and frustrated. Probably because these people are getting all of this "high" feedback, and in my head I can only think, "This person is SO fake. How are they able to trick so many?" Now there are many reasons, none of which I will elaborate on. I will just mention these points regarding it: internet "praise" via a "like" or a shallow comment is just that--shallow. I know there are times when it isn’t, but let's face it, MOST of it is. We all know that. Secondly, these are not people we have authentic relationships with. Do you want your best friends to find something out (good or bad) about you via a website? Or because you told them? Obviously people that are commenting and using these types of mediums aren't very deep in their relationships. At that same point, why does EVERYONE need to know?

Anyway, at the end of it all, I always try to keep in my mind something Sal often has to remind me of:
Who cares what other people do or say to/about you? (Not that it doesn't matter, but, well, allow me to carry on and you’ll see what I’m getting at.) Live your life as you are, by trying to live it your best doing what is right. True character always shines through. Your goodness will be realized upon those around you. That being said, the other person's phony-ness will ALSO shine through, and there are ultimately consequences for that.

Like mentioned before, I think part of me keeps up with these people so that I can see failure. How awful is that? How am I able to hold this spite within myself? Why do I care so much? That seems so evil and against everything I want to stand for. I want to be able to love even my enemies.

I recently found out something AWFUL about one of those people. It was her choice and decision, but it made me feel so bad for her. When I was alone, I cried. Deep down I know I only want the best with for everyone. I just wish they would quit the act, ya know? It made me happy to realize I truly wasn’t just a ball of hate in some instances, but it make me really question and want to work on areas of my life. I don’t judge people for their actions, but I take offense to those who are multi-faceted, taking on many personalities. They wrong many and fool many. I wish I could warn those who are fooled, but they are up against a well-practiced liar. But it’s not my place to interject, and “their true character will shine through”.

So where am I? What do I do now?
The first step seems simple: STOP FOLLOWING THEM. Duh! I was thinking about deleting them from facebook, etc. I wish I could erase their sites from my memory so I have no way to reach them when my boredom causes me to wander and wonder. But then I thought, why bother adding offense and anger to these people’s lives when my actions may seem abrupt and without explanation? I know that that they aren’t really a friend at all, but I feel as though it would just stir-things-up in a negative way, regardless of the fact that they aren't and haven't been a good friend.
I guess I just need better self-control.

It makes me cringe to read how much these people lie. I think they lie to themselves…considering themselves to be “honest” when most things they do in life are deceitful. Who am I to judge? We all make mistakes. I do things that aren’t right as well. Even though what I do isn’t nearly what they do, it still doesn’t make me any more right.

I guess I just had to get this all off of my chest, although I’m not sure what to do next. First step is admitting I’m wrong--check! I feel as though this is something causing me to stumble, so now that I think about it, it really is not wrong if I “delete” these people. I guess that is a mistake we all make: not ridding our lives of the things that cause us to stumble, because no one is beyond temptation. If it’s causing a problem for me as it is—clouding my positive thinking, causing me to pass poor thoughts about people—then it’s really not bad to say “away with it!” I think I have myself convinced. Right? haha.

Looks like I have some cleaning up to do!